


Desperation

by lollercakes



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollercakes/pseuds/lollercakes
Summary: A race against time, a race against reality.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 19
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From a prompt from captainandors on Tumblr: 'a last desperate I love you'
> 
> Come find me there, lollercakesff

He wasn’t going to make it. 

Breathless, sweat lining his brow, Cassian races through the base trying desperately to reach the helicopter pad before the chopper takes off. In the distance, he can hear the blades spin up and feel the burn of the sand whip between the tents, the familiar sound making him groan and push his legs harder. 

Jyn was leaving on a mission they both knew was dangerous, half-baked, and a result of a flawed decision that might get her unit killed. He’d spent the morning trying to get Draven to cancel it or pull her off of it, assigned maybe to his unit temporarily or  _ something _ to keep her from flying right into the hot zone. Success hadn’t been possible and now all he had was trying to trace her down, see her one last time before she left because something was telling him not to miss the opportunity to say goodbye. 

He arrives at the landing pad just as the bird is taking flight, the sound of the engines roaring and causing him to curse aloud. 

He hadn’t made it. Now all he could do was wait for her to come back.

_ If _ they even made it back. 

* * *

She’s declared MIA after two weeks, the rest of her unit either dead or missing alongside her. Cassian tries not to let it destroy him but every night the truth of it chips away at him, one piece at a time. Dreams clog his sleep, waking him covered in sweat and shaking. His bunk is empty without her and each tearing breath into daylight reminds him of the hurt that won't cease. His mind, when not sifting through details of the enemy as he searches for some trace of her, is full of her smile, her scent. It’s slowly killing him. 

Why had he let her get in his head? 

Why had he let her leave?

He should have known better than to get close to anyone. He was Intelligence, he spent hours studying the enemy and he knew what they were capable of and what the risks for personnel were here. Making connections with anyone other than his chain of command was foolish. Short-sighted. Destined for suffering.

But somehow, she'd slipped in under his radar, had beaten him at cards and walloped him in hand-to-hand combat and her eyes - 

He should never have let her in because now he could never let her go.

* * *

"Captain Andor! Cassian!" The banging on the door to his bunk makes the walls rattle and he bursts up from where he's passed out among his papers, his face creased with marks from his uniform. "Wake up!"

"What?" He snaps, yanking open the door and startling Bodhi Rook down a step. The pilot - jumpy still after one too many close calls - looks up at him with wide eyes.

"They're back. Well - the unit isn't. But they're back - the - some of - Erso's - Jyn - "

"When?" Cassian breathes, hoping against hope that he's not still dreaming. His heart is in his throat, hands clammy and pulse throbbing under his skin. If Rook was right… if Jyn… 

He couldn't wait. 

"Inbound in ten. Pad Four. F-found them on the eastern ridge. Reports back to comms are in but Cassian - "

"What?" He repeats, stopping and twisting back to face the man who has followed after him. His tone must be sharp because Bodhi startles, eyes flickering wide before he understands, before he _ sees _ , the wound festering in Cassian's soul.

"Bey said - she's," he clears his throat and reaches for Cassian's arm. "She's not sure how many are bodies."

Bodies? 

Cassian swallows back a sound that almost chokes him, his eyes closing as the latest nightmare flashes in his mind's eye. 

Jyn, in pieces, her dead eyes accusing him.

"She said some - that some of them were alive. That's how she noticed them - their GPS were blinking with movement. She could still be alive."

The promise of that makes him take flight again, belining towards the airstrip and breaking through the hands that try to restrain him from the tarmac. Melshi and Tuesso. Draven even, at some point.

When the chopper comes into sight Cassian holds tight to himself at the edge, his shoulders tense and his heart racing. He watches as it circles, landing on the marker as the door flings open and bodies pour out. 

Three mobile, two strapped to backboards and some - a handful maybe - remain curled up in lumps on the floor. 

He doesn't panic. Rushing forward, he skids and scrambles into the open door, checking the figures for life. 

For  _ her _ .

"Captain - make room for the medics," Draven commands, his hand enveloping Cassian's shoulder and squeezing it until the touch brings his attending back from the edge. "Check the stretchers," Draven grunts as Cassian looks back at him with a pained expression, the fear curdling in his gut.

"Sir?" Cassian attempts. 

"The stretchers." The man repeats and Cassian takes flight again, stalking pointedly away from the landing area and through the hole created by the medics. His eyes catch on light reflecting off the ground -  _ blood _ \- and he follows it through the base towards the hospital.

The section is teeming with activity, staff running from corner to corner as they treat the patients who've been brought in. For a moment he stands shellshocked in the entrance, his insides screaming.

She was here. She was here and he could feel it. 

Spurred into action with the thought, he makes his way methodically from curtain to curtain, glancing over shoulders and looking at each face. He's almost through - his hope wavering - before he's stopped short by a curse and a shout.

"Get the fuck _ off _ of me!" She screeches, thrashing and kicking her legs out as some of the orderlies grasp at her ankles. The tinge of her voice is raspy, pained, and it shreds his heart as he pushes towards the bed.

"Captain - you need to leave," the doctor demands and Cassian ignores him.

She's there, bruised and torn in her underthings, blood caked across her cheek from a bloody lip or nose, he's not sure. She looks wrecked but she's alive. 

"Jyn," he gulps, reaching for her face and unprepared for the upper cut she thrusts up against his chin. He stumbles back, blood filling his mouth as his teeth cut through his tongue. It doesn't stop him as he fights his way back to her side until another man is grabbing his shoulders and pulling him back.

"She's been beaten. She doesn't know what's happening," Kes Dameron urges, holding an arm across his chest in restraint. Cassian manages to spare a glance towards the man, finally recognizing his injuries as he keeps him at bay. "We were ambushed. They kept us in cages, man. She got a rough end of the stick - they dosed her with something and it's made her wild ever since."

"We're sedating her," the doctor breaks in and Cassian lets a cry escape his throat as he watches the men hold her limbs to the bed, the needle sinking into her flesh. 

When she starts relaxing under the drug's effects, Cassian lunges forward again and reaches for her once more. 

"I'm here. You're alright. You're okay," he assures as her brow furrows and she glances up at him, fear in her eyes. "It's going to be okay. You're safe, Jyn. You're home."

His heart hurts as she blinks, the fog clearing for a brief second before she slowly slips away and the sedation pulls her under. 

"We need to get her into surgery. You need to let us take her." 

Cassian glances up and sees the sympathetic face, forcing himself to pull back and wipe his hands over his face. His breath hurts and he twists away with his hands in his hair, desperate to get himself under control as tears burn his eyes. 

She was here. She was alive. Now he just needed to make sure she stayed that way.

* * *

He's back on active duty the next day though his attention is frayed at best. Draven doesn't bother to question him on it and he's sure no one around him will challenge it. 

When he's not at his desk reviewing documents, tapes or files, he's at the hospital keeping vigil at her bedside. Her surgery had gone well but they'd kept her sedated for fear of her reaction upon waking. Her sutures needed time to set and to say the doctor was worried about her state of mind was an understatement.

To say it wasn't worrying Cassian was an outright lie. He was terrified of who would wake up in her body - the strong, bracing woman he'd come to know or the terrified girl who he'd only glimpsed after a rough night of nightmares from her childhood. She hadn't deserved this. She'd just wanted to do her part and get her feet under herself. He should have protected her. 

"She saved my life, you know," Dameron says above him, Cassian shifting and lifting his head out of his hands to look up at the man. "Came at the guy like a bat out of hell. I tried to get her to play meek but you know her as well as I do - not an option for her. I think that's why she got as roughed up as she did."

"I read your report. Tell me what you didn't put in it?" Cassian presses. Dameron sighs and grabs another chair, settling into it across from him.

"You were right. Or, at least, Jyn said you were. We were ambushed mid-raid and when we tried to bug out they knew where our out was. I have no idea how but they knew. Can't put it in the report though because Krennic will write it out."

"I know. I appealed it up and lost. I tried not - I tried to keep you all safe but it didn't work. I'm sorry." Dameron shakes his head, looking up at Jyn before back to him.

"She said you'd say that and she told me to remind you to stop being a fucking martyr and keep fighting," he answers on a laugh. "I'm going to do my rounds with the rest of my unit. Let me know when she wakes up."

"I will," Cassian answers and once Dameron is gone, does his best to hold it together as he reaches forward and grabs her hand with his, tethering her to the earth for as long as he can.

* * *

He's told she's being sent home by way of an overheard conversation in the mess, one of the nurses from her duty station blabbing to another worker about the team brought in that night. Cassian drops his tray on the table and bolts to the hospital, pushing into her room as medics buzz around her bed and prepare her for transport.

"Where is she being sent?" Cassian demands, stretching to find her awake but dazed. 

"Back stateside. Doc thinks she needs better mental supports for her recovery and we can't get her that here."

"Can I have a minute with her?" Cassian asks and the man shakes his head, sending him a sympathetic look.

"Sorry Captain, transport is waiting. You can walk with us though, if you'd like," he offers and it's enough. He'll take it.

"Jyn, they're sending you out of here. I'll send your stuff, don't worry. And I'll - I'll be around when you're ready," he states, voice cracking as he reaches for her hand and holds tight. Jyn glances up at him, confusion in her eyes before it flashes and suddenly it's her, the vibrant green full of life sparkling up at her.

"Cassian," she breathes, eyes widening and becoming more desperate. "Cassian!"

"It's okay. Hey - no, it's okay. You're okay. They're going to take care of you," he assures and brushes her bangs out of her eyes, the helicopter coming into view. Time was running out. He needed to tell her. 

"Don't let them take me," she cries and Cassian presses his lips to hers, desperate to keep her from falling apart. Desperate to keep himself from falling apart.

"You need to go. They'll take care of you, don't be afraid. Take one chance and then the next, right? That's what you said to me, remember?"

"Cassian, please," she pains, clutching his hand. 

"You've gotta go. You'll be okay - "

"But I want you - "

"They'll take care of you - "

"They're not _ you _ !" She rasps thickly and Cassian's heart breaks, his throat closing up as tears escape from the corners of her eyes.

"You've gotta go with them and take care of yourself. Get better so you can find me after," he urges and Jyn nods, reaching for him as her gurney is lifted onto the floor of the helicopter. Cassian tries to stay rooted to his spot, to maintain professionalism even though he feels like a part of him, so recently returned, is being torn from his chest. 

He tries, but fails as he launches himself towards the door and climbs up on the edge, reaching for her chin. The kiss is awkward but he doesn't care. It's short but he doesn't care. He doesn't care because it's Jyn and he can't just let her go without saying goodbye. 

"I love you, Jyn Erso. Don't forget that," he whispers and she kisses him again, one last time before her medic yells at him to disembark, his body reluctantly following orders.

When she takes off it's like his heart is lifting up with her, flying towards the airbase and leaving him hollow in its wake. He watches until she's out of sight and then he returns to his duty station, determined to stay the course until they can figure out what comes next, together.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Cassian _ .

His name, breathed into his ear in the dead of night, has him bolting up and glancing around his barren bunk with bleary eyes. 

The time on his watch blinks out from the green background - three in the morning. Witching hours.

He hasn't been sleeping. Not since she went MIA. Not since she came back, broken and then torn from him once more. He didn't want to think about it but he couldn't help it - she was like salt. Hard rocks that have dissolved into his body, thickening his blood and making his heart thump. He couldn't get her out of his head, his veins. She was baked in and he was drowning without her.

Checking his phone, Cassian rolls onto his side and avoids looking at the box near his door. It was ready to be shipped but he hadn't had the strength to walk it to the post just yet. One day he'd take it, handing over the itemized list of three socks, one ripped up copy of  _ Catch-22 _ , a handful of photos, a sand-scarf he'd picked up for her at the local market, one pair of fingerless gloves, and a necklace she'd left entrusted to his care.

Maybe he'd keep the necklace.

Maybe he'd keep the scarf, as long as it continued to smell of her.

His phone has no messages and he sets it back on the dresser before he shifts onto his back and stares at the empty bunk above him. She should be back stateside by now. Would they help her call him? Would she even remember to try?

Light eventually creeps through the curtains as his thoughts turn dark. 

He rolls over to face the wall and closes his eyes. 

_ Cassian. _

* * *

"You look like the dead," Rook greets, placing his tray next to Cassian's. 

"Feel like it too," Cassian grumbles before setting down his fork and leaning his face in his hands.

"No word yet?" The man continues after a few minutes of silence. Cassian shakes his head, glancing across the mess but not truly looking at anything. "Was she - I mean - did she know who you were? Before - "

"She did," he assures sharply and Rook looks towards him.

"Just - Dameron said she was out of it. Maybe she's not remembering - "

"She knew who I was, Bodhi. She remembered me."

"Okay. Yeah, okay. I ask because, uh, she was gone so long, you see? And she had the marks - like shackles - "

"I know!" Cassian barks, startling the man into a moment of tense silence. "I read the reports. I know they drugged her. I know they tortured her. I  _ know _ . I see it every fucking night - "

"Then you know she needs stability and real care. She can't get that here," he adds softly.

"I know that too, alright?" His voice wavers and he rubs his brow, trying to push the images out of his head. "I'm not foolish enough to think she should recover here. That's not what I want."

"Maybe - have you talked to Draven about taking a leave? To see her? Are you due to, um, rotate out soon?" Rook asks hopefully.

"I've got one more month before I have to re-up. Until then, all I can do is wait," he responds, pushing himself to his feet. Rook leans back and watches him grab his tray, the man's dark eyes following his every movement. 

"She'll be fine, Cassian," he states evenly. "She'll reach out. You meant a lot to her." 

Cassian snorts.  _ Meant _ . Past tense.

* * *

_ Wake up _ .

_ Cassian. Wake up _ .

He jerks upright from where he's leaned his head in his hands, exhaustion overtaking him as he sits at his makeshift desk.

It had sounded like her, the voice in his head. Whispered into his ear like that last morning.

_ "Wake up. You're missing it," she breathes, his eyes cracking open to look at her.  _

_ "Missing what?"  _

_ "Time. With me. It's finite, you know. Don't want to waste it." He laughs because there's a song note to her voice, the lilting joy that was so rare here. He craves it. Craves her. His hands reach for her hips and she follows until she's straddling him, her hair hanging around her face. "It's time to go." _

"It's time to go," Draven's voice breaks into his thoughts and he looks up at the man, heart in his throat and the memory still heavy in his mind.

"Where?" 

"Home. You're being rotated out early." Cassian looks up at him with a furrowed brow, lips tight and mouth dry.

"Sir?"

"They're scheduling your debrief for Thursday and then transit to wherever you wish to call home base. Set it up with your wrangler and take some time to get right. I'm delaying your re-up for six months," Draven states evenly.

"Is this because - "

"Yes." His tone isn't unkind but Cassian knows the truth hidden between the lines. His work had suffered since the mission and it was getting to a point where even Draven couldn't cover for him anymore.

Nevertheless, it hits like a punch to his gut, leaving him breathless but still standing. Cold slithers through his veins and the dismissive look in his superior's eyes is enough to make him want to scorch the earth. He'd given everything - they'd taken everything - and now he was spent and they were done with him.

"I've a man back stateside - Malbus - ask for him. He'll help with whatever you're going through with this."

Cassian nods and bites his lip, looking around the room for a moment before he gives one last look to his mentor, evaluating, weighing, before he turns on his heel and returns to his bunk.

He's on the next flight out, duffle in hand and the box he'd never sent tucked under his arm.

* * *

_ Don't. _

Her voice follows him everywhere now, narrating his days, haunting and omnipresent. Waking life and dreamscapes have blended together and the line between the living world and this one grows more faint with every passing day.

The cemetery he stands in is cold and Cassian feels it curl in his veins like whisps of fog, weighing him down and making him heavy as he hovers over graves with familiar names. Around him, fall leaves flutter across the patches of grass and overhead, naked trees rustle in the breeze.

He shouldn't have come alone.

But he'd needed to see for himself the dead, pay his respects before he drifted into the wind. 

Four stones, jutting out of the ground with names engraved like tattoos on pale flesh. Permanent and scarring.

He chokes on the words as he reads them, his heartbeat roaring in his ears as he tries to stay standing. Gone. They were gone and he was still here. The mission he should have stopped. The dead he could have saved if only - 

Turning his back on the hollow ground, Cassian forces his leaden legs to move, huffing breath into his lungs and hoping for some semblance of life to return.

_ Come back _ .

* * *

"Cassian." 

Not again.

"Cassian, wake up."

"Go away. You're not real."

"Excuse me?" She sounds indignant and Cassian twists and digs his head deeper into his pillow. Why wouldn't these dreams just let him be? Why couldn't he get her out of his head? "Is that my necklace? From the box of my stuff you never sent me?"

_ That _ has his eyes flicking open, his gaze trained solidly on the wall as he doesn't dare roll over to look behind him. The crystal necklace hangs heavy against his spine as he lay prone for another moment, forcing his breathing to steady.

"If you don't face me in the next minute Cassian Andor, I'm going to drag you out of this bed and steal all of your blankets."

"You'd do that anyways - " he stops mid-sentence as she comes into view, all haunting beauty and vivid green eyes.

"Miss me?" She asks after a moment. Cassian swallows and moves to sit up, not allowing a single blink with the effort for fear of ruining the illusion that's seamlessly filling his hospital room. The drugs he was on must be world-class because even the scent of her was fresh.

"I - you're not dead," he stutters and Jyn guffaws, clapping her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound. 

"Of course I'm not dead. You were there when they evac'd me." 

"But you never called. They never updated me. They wouldn't even tell me you'd been admitted after you returned home. I thought you were dead." His voice cracks and Jyn's smile slips.

"They told me you knew, which, I guess you did but not really. My stuff was left at the base and I didn't have my phone so I was waiting for you to reach out but you didn't. Then Bodhi messaged and said you'd been sent home. He figured you'd show up here soon enough. You… Thought I was dead? Cassian - "

"Don't," he murmurs as she reaches for him, her hand outstretched towards his knee. Panic sets in as he clenches the mattress edge, his breathing stalling in his chest. 

If she touched him and he didn't feel it, would the illusion shatter?

If she touched him and he didn't feel it, would she disappear forever?

She cocks her head and evaluates him, concern etched in her brow before she shifts an inch closer. He stops breathing altogether because her scent is making him dizzy and the want for her is too strong, threatening to pull him under. She must sense it in him because eventually she tenses her jaw, a sign of determination, before she lifts her hand to his cheek. Her thumb rubs over his skin and leaves a burning trail, the light touch shattering his reality in one tiny move.

"I've missed you," she whispers and he cracks, his whole being softening under her hand as hot tears come to his eyes. 

He lunges towards her, wrapping himself around her body and clinging like she was a lone buoy in a stormy sea. She was real. She was here. She was tangling her limbs around him in turn, stumbling them back onto the bunk. Her lips find his and her taste… 

"You're real. You're alive," he rasps, his fingers threading through her hair and easing her back just enough to see her eyes.

"Yes," she says on a nod, sniffing back her own tears. "Obviously. Cassian, tell me what's going on."

He doesn't know. Can't answer her. And so he leans forward and burrows into her until there's no more doubt that she's here, his senses overwhelmed with the relief of her presence.

* * *

"Are you ready to leave?" Cassian asks, his fingers sliding through her hair as she rests her head in his lap. The feel of it centers him after a day of doubting his reality, his existence. Jyn had always had that effect on him. Maybe that's why her disappearance had been the trigger for him falling off the edge. Maybe.

"Not really. But they've done all they can for me right now. The rest comes with time," she says, shrugging against his thigh. "Are you going to be alright tomorrow, after I leave?"

His hand pauses - just for a second - before he forces the motion to return and his breathing to even out.

Would he be? He wasn't sure. But he couldn't ask her to stay. Not when another soldier needed the bed. Not when she deserved to be out and free of this place.

"Yes. I have to be," he adds evenly. Jyn reaches for his hand and grabs it, pulling his fingers down to her lips. She kisses each knuckle, each nail, before holding his hand to her chest. He has to work to avoid looking at the scars on her wrists.

"I'll still be here for you. Whatever you need." Cassian nods tightly. Jyn sighs and sits up, crawling her way carefully into his lap until she's tucked against him, nose pressing into the skin under his jaw. "I love you, Cassian. I won't let our time run out."

* * *

The hospital keeps him admitted for another two months, the debrief therapy ordered by Draven helping him center his mind back in the world of the living. For a long while, it seemed, he'd been floating between the living and the dead, visions from the field clouding his mind and convincing him that he wasn't really here, that what he'd seen - the torture and misery - was what remained. But slowly they were drawing him back from that edge, one day at a time.

Though Jyn was released almost a week after his entry, she still saw him nearly every day. It was a critical lifeline for him, one that reminded him of what he had to fight for. Visiting hours meant little to her and sometimes they still managed to fall asleep together, a thing that Cassian hadn't realized was essential to his recovery until Malbus pointed out how much better his sessions went in the wake of those days.

Now it was his turn to re-enter the world and as he walks out of the treatment centre the vision before him solidifies with what comes next.

Jyn. And him.

Alive.

Together.

“Get in the car. It’s time to go home,” Jyn orders, hand on her hip. Cassian quirks a brow up at her and smiles, reaching for her and drawing her in. 

“Home? I already am,” he answers and ducks down to kiss her, his heart near bursting as she smiles into his kiss and holds him close. 


End file.
